"And the Lord shall make you the head, and not the tail; and you shall be above only, and you shall not be beneath, if you heed the commandments of the Lord ... and are watchful to do them." ... Deuteronomy 28:13
My oh my... it was one rough week around here, around the inside of my head, especially. I so felt beneath things and as though I was the tail of everything and certainly not the head of anything. Overwhelmed by even simple mentions of easy chores and I kept quoting Peter Walsh's, "It's all too much!" and tried to explain to Tom how I felt like just a shell of my former self, weaker than weak inside my head.
But he didn't really get it. (Does any man ever? Probably not.)
I even told him (while we were out sailing along the countryside yesterday) that I didn't care how long we stayed out because I just didn't want to go home. He asked why not and I said, "Well, you know I don't like to make these 'bad confessions,' but I hate that farmhouse. And that yard. I hate how I feel at that place. And mostly? I hate what Life has done to me while we've lived there."
Yes, I said that. It's called being truthful. It's called being tired of cats dying and old friends dying, also, all too close together. It's called living where you don't belong and dragging yourself around year after year trying so hard to stay positive, but finally giving-in and accepting the truth which happens to be, well, negative.
Tsk, tsk. I know.
But still, I held on, kept believing for change. Kept quoting things like, "Complain and remain, praise and be raised." With last bits of waning strength, I reminded myself that someday I'd feel good and normal again (though a couple times, I did wonder....).
And then another Suddenly! (Don't you just love those 'suddenly verses'? You know, "And suddenly there was with them a great host of angels" or "Suddenly there was an earthquake and the doors of the prison opened wide." One thing was one sad way then suddenly! It changed forever in a simple moment.)
Well, there I was this morning draped across the loveseat in my Mom Cave, reading the book Understood Betsy by Dorothy Canfield, when I finished it, brought my eyes up from the page and then suddenly! I felt fine. Not beneath anything. Not under. No longer feeling as though I'd rolled (and rolled!) back down the mountain God spent years pushing me up. No, suddenly my head rose woosh! above the waters of gloom and into Light.
It was subtle--no angels singing, no noise of any kind-- but it was awesome. Made me shake my head with wonder. And I've felt like good ol' Debra ever since. All these ten hours later I feel normal, ready for anything and especially ready to get my new/old life back when we move to Hobbit Cottage.
Happy, happy day.
I'm sharing that to say this simple thing: 'Suddenly miracles' do still happen. But that flicker of Hope Light must keep burning while we wait for them. They need not be explained or begged-for or figured-out, but rather, only accepted, with gratitude, when they arrive.
And if you need a Suddenly, may yours come very, very soon.
Today a pair of real-live bluebirds spent some time at Tom and Debra's Outdoor Bird Restaurant. We were excited! Our first sighting, ever.
Oh, and for just $1 at a yard sale yesterday, I bought Threading The Needle by Marie Bostwick. Devoured it. And the godly lessons tucked inside pleasantly surprised me.
And remember my mention of Leave It To Claire? I immediately ordered the next two in the series because of that book's excellence (our library system didn't have either, so I used my amazon gift card from that thingamajig in my sidebar. Thanks again for your help with that!)