Thursday, May 05, 2005

Speaking of Old Songs...


I forgot to tell you when Tom found that old box of record albums, besides the Carpenter album, there was Simon and Garfunkel. 

Oh my. Talk about a trip back to being 17! I spun record today and played The Boxer over and over--loudly. There are some songs in this world which you must listen to full-blast so that you can get lost in them. The Boxer is one of those songs.

"I am leaving, I am leaving, but the fighter still remains..."

What memories! I told you before that my family moved all the time while I was growing-up. Always at first I hated moving and whatever new town where we'd landed. But then I'd grow to passionately love each.

And then we would move again.

I'd sit in the backseat and watch lonely dry fields streak past, crying tears close to the window.

"I am leaving, I am leaving..."

One thing about moving I liked, though. The starting over. I always comforted myself with that one thought. "I can begin again. I can act however I want to in front of these new kids who don't yet know me and how shy I am. I can act bold and maybe I'll be popular for once."

But then I would always act the same old way. 

Shyness, fear, is powerful, especially when you're a kid. Especially when you are an adult, too.

And yet, even after I married and moved to two different towns afterward, I still played around with that idea. "I'll act differently in this new town! All the other wives and mothers don't know how shy I am, so I'll play like I'm not. I'll also act like I'm not a neat freak around the house.  I'll relax my housekeeping and joke about being a slob."

Not too hard to guess what really happened, though, huh?

Yeah, you're right. I just remained my same ol' shy, neat-freak self.

Where am I going with this? For me, I found that only God can change me in lasting ways. I cannot change myself and I've even quit trying (gasp!). No, I've just made up my mind to cooperate with God each time He's ready to change something in me which isn't pleasing to Him. (Seems there's always something.)

And yet, it's odd. Every once in awhile the temptation to move away and start all over returns. Only, now, the temptation is fleeting, because I know running away only makes me tired--and it doesn't change a thing.


No comments: