For years I nagged Tom about closing the closet door before he'd leave for work. It wasn't asking too much for him to remove his clothes,then shut the door, right?
Yet always, he'd drive blissfully away (well...) and I'd walk into the bedroom, spy the opened closet door and start fuming. (And ok, I slammed it once. Or twice.)
Then there were the times I went ballistic when Tom would consistently arrive home late from running errands (hours late) or when the visa bill would arrive and I'd see some enormous (huge!) charge on it which he'd made without telling me.
And he's lectured me over hours I spend on the computer, for water left on the bathroom floor (he's pretty patient, but water problems make him nuts) and he's walked past me while I'm painting walls and nagged me about being careful.
In 28 years, a couple can nag each other a whole lot. I know.
But something which I've noticed? No matter what our subject of the day, each time we nag one another, two things are always involved. Fear and control.
Seriously. Think about it. With the closet door, I wanted to control Tom into closing it because I had this fear of our room not looking nice with it open. After all, we might have company any second (riiight), they might tour our room--and if they did--they'd be horrified to see the inside of our closet. And well, it scared me that Tom appeared determined to not do this one little thing I asked of him.
When Tom would come home late? I'd go wild because it frustrated me that I couldn't make him call me. I'd pace around the house, picturing him lying inside our wrecked car (I'd plan his funeral, nearly)--not even realizing, myself, that this was a test for me as to whether I trusted God to protect Tom--or not.
And clueless me was failing that test.
Regarding the bathroom floor, Tom's afraid the water will ruin the floors/walls, that he'll slip and so my lack of realizing that, frustrated him. If I'm on the computer when he wants on (and visa versa) he's afraid he won't be able to change our stocks around in time, etc., (whereas I'm afraid I'll miss something exciting here in Blogland).
The things we argue about always LOOK like one thing, but they are nearly always about two things--fear and control. (Your homework is to look at your own marital spats and pick out your own fear and control issues in each one.) ツ
But here is what I'm finding. The more control I desire God to have of myself, the less I nag Tom. The less I nag Tom? The more often I see him--on his own--do those tasks I'd nagged him about over years.
Really, I can hardly believe it!
Not only does he close the closet door now, but he picks up his clothes, places his dishes inside the sink, doesn't spend huge amounts of money behind my back and calls me even if he's going to be 10 minutes late (before I even notice he's late).
But I can hear you now."Oh, I tried that with my spouse, but it didn't work." Yeah, and years ago I would have said that too. I'd stop nagging Tom for a whole two weeks, nothing would change, and then I'd rev-up the old nagging machine again.
But the change came in Tom only after a change came in me. A heart change.
When I finally became sick of my ways and my plans, that's when I sought to know God's ways and His plans. And then it was like pop! pop! pop! One change after another happened in both of us.
And how wonderful to put away all the games and plans of manipulation and instead, watch real, true joy begin.
******
No comments:
Post a Comment