Sunday, January 22, 2006

Switching Songs

For Christmas, Tom asked for one of Kimberley Locke's CD's so I bought it for him and for nearly one month, in our car, I've played Eighth World Wonder over and over (maybe to infinity, I'm not sure). Kimberley's voice and that song, together, do something amazing to my eyes because suddenly, outside my windshield, the grey, bare-tree winter melts into something warm, nearly-green, even a little golden. That voice, that song, somehow, remind me of all that is right with my life and that is exactly why I play it--I want to be reminded of how good God has been to me.

Remember when I told you that while I lived depressed and pathetic in Nevada, I used to drive through the barren desert and play sad, bleeding-heart songs? Well, while driving home today with movies and lunch in the car and Kimberly Locke's voice in the CD player, I shook my head and laughed at my Nevada years' foolishness. What I did--listening to despairing songs in the middle of my depression--was like this... It was just the same as having been stabbed once by a stranger, and then afterward, stabbing myself again and again each new time I played a lonely, sad song. And to top it off, expecting that listening to those songs, stabbing myself over and over, would somehow help cure me of my depression.

Wow. It's hard to believe that was even me, I guess because I had to leave that 'me' behind years ago. One step by one step I had to walk myself out of depression by making different choices in what I believed and what and who I listened to. And the neat thing is that every right step led me to a little more light--and when your world has been dark a couple years, even the tiniest ray of light is remarkable and encouraging. And you find there are more steps and more light and more steps and more light until one day, you find yourself riding around in your car listening to happy-sounding songs, singing, and even the dreary winter day outside the windows looks amazing.

"Sing to the Lord a new song, for he has done marvelous things..." Psalm 98:1

"Even if you can’t sing well, sing. Sing to yourself. Sing in the privacy of your own home. But sing." ... Rebbe Nachman

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