Ah, it's back to that consistent kind of happiness again for me.
I reread my blog posts written at our other suburb house and I had it then, that daily contentment. And at the apartment we had for six months afterward--it was there, too.
But at the farmhouse? That stay-awake-to-keep-on-being-happy feeling came and went. Was here again, gone again.
In fact, one month after moving there, I remember standing with a rake out in one of our meadows and facing toward the adorable mobile home park three miles away. I thought, "Oh, how cozy it would be to have one of those tiny yards with bits of picket fencing and a corner sunflower patch and country decor and bird feeders and a compact house with rooms all on one level."
Shaking myself, I thought, "Debra! What are you doing?! You've dreamed about this farm for 30 years and your farm fantasies are all coming true!" And truthfully? I never forgot that day. It haunted me often, especially on the days contentment was 'gone again', days when I'd try to earn it back by reminding myself of all I've learned and all I've taught you here. Lessons about obedience and sowing and reaping and behaving and trusting and not doubting, worrying or being selfish.
At the farm, it felt like one long college course after another. A hard, difficult, never-ending course... and of trying to get back to where I'd once been.
And many afternoons, I wondered about that. Why didn't I feel the enormous contentment I once had? Why had it become so darn fleeting, so airy? Even after being such a good little Christian woman, I'd attempt to reach up and grasp the contentment I once had and it would poof! Vanish. So then I had to reach higher.
Well? I'm no longer going to try figuring it all out. Not the whys or whats or becauses.
No, it was what it was. I do understand some of it, such as, God gave Tom and me a farm for three years, we had many lovely, dream-come-true days there, but never--never--did I experience the consistent, daily sort of happy contentment which I've known at Hobbit Cottage for four months straight. A type of happy contentment I don't have to pray for or earn. The same type of happiness I knew in those two other houses before the farm.
That peaceful, stay-awake-to-milk-it-longer contentment is just here. I mean, it abides. With me here at home and wherever I go, nearly all the time. And the reunion has been oh so sweet.
We make ourselves insane sometimes by questioning things to death. By wondering and figuring and reasoning our way into confusion. And well, I am so not going there again! Spent way too much time over in Confusion City back in the 1990's. Satan is the god of confusion, after all, so who would want to spend time in his downtown area?
Nah, God will explain the whys of it all better to me as time goes on--or perhaps He won't. God decides what to explain and what He'd rather we just accept with trust.We err when we demand that He explain Himself, His plans for us--or else! On this side of Heaven it's sooo much about knowing God rather than demanding He explain all the fuzzy details to us, past, present or future.
It's about truly being ok with unanswered questions... and learning valuable lessons from the answers we did receive. Of learning our own personal lessons well so not to repeat mistakes.
At least, that's how I see it now. And today I'm perfectly ok with the not knowing... and just basking in the contentment with which I've been reunited.
This woman will inspire the proverbial socks right off your feet! If you can't seem to get moving today, this will do it for you... and will keep you moving on into next week. ;) (A special thanks to my buddy, Wilma, for this link.)
"Take My yoke upon you and learn of Me, for I am gentle (meek) and humble (lowly) in heart, and you will find rest (relief and ease and refreshment and recreation and blessed quiet) for your souls." ... Matthew 11:29
"Trust requires un-answered questions." ... Joyce Meyer