Sunday, May 27, 2007
So Not a Party Girl
Another holiday (don't we have one, like, every two weeks now?)... And even with a sober holiday like Memorial Day, where we're supposed to meditate upon those who've made sacrifices and gone on before us, still, there are parties abounding everywhere. Even in my Mayberry-ish neighborhood.
I am so not a party girl. And even when I used to attend church parties, even then, I was the awkward, can-I-leave-early-please?, uncool church lady in the corner of the room.
Then why as I'm here alone on a Sunday afternoon (Tom is at work) does my mind drift over to wishing I was at a barbecue at a park with a whole group of people? Am I crazy?
But it comes to me that I'm simply just getting to know myself better. My real self, that is. The one God is creating from scratch after I spent whole decades creating a counterfeit version of who God wanted me to be.
I think the problems come when I gaze backward at the old me, my old life, forgetting that's not my life now.... making those unequal comparisons and recalling how we used to attend parties on holidays because we felt we should and oughtta and what-would-people-say-if-we-didn't? Oh, some big, loud get-togethers were fun and I'm glad we attended them for Naomi's sake, so she could come away with good memories. There is that.
But so much has changed since those days. Tom and I try now to be led by God and go where He leads, rather than being led by the shoulds and oughts and brow-beater-types in our lives. Not everyone understands, of course, (most don't) and many have just given-up on being able to control us and shame us into attending noisy functions. And the rest, well, like I said earlier, the rest don't even think about us at all, anyway (even though we flatter ourselves and believe they do).
And we're fine with that. For, even at the half-century mark, Tom and I are still finding our way... and what I'm discovering is that, by spending much time alone with God and with each other, we're becoming more confident in what and Whom we believe... we're becoming better acquainted with ourselves, each other, and with God... and we're learning that, in swimming upstream, you become both stronger and yet more reliant upon God for the extra strength it takes to swim to new, unfamiliar places.