Saturday, April 09, 2011

A Funeral for Suzy

You know how, when someone close to you dies, you're supposed to allow yourself to go through all those stages of grief so that, someday, you can accept your loss and move on in a healthy frame of mind?

Well. This past week I've been convicted to finally hold a funeral for Suzy. You know, Suzy Homemaker. The way, seven months ago, I went from (freely and with great splashy abandon) playing Suzy 64 hours a week to now averaging only 2. From having my own kitchen and a sweet Mom Cave to a shared kitchen and no room of my very own.

And with no Lennon the Cat to sit beside, either.

I am only just now seeing that the stress I've been experiencing (it came to me that Naomi's second sentence was more accurate--I've acted stressed-out, not worried) is because I've been, one by one, experiencing the first four stages of grief over the loss of my Suzy Homemaker lifestyle:

1. Denial
2. Anger
3. Bargaining
4. Depression

Gah! How could I be so clueless? I've been grieving unknowingly over Suzy's demise. I didn't until this week even guess why such foreign emotions plagued my head (well, foreign for the Debra of the last 17 years. Previous Debra lived with those things daily back in the 70's and 80's.)

It's time to admit Suzy has died. And I have been grieving her death even without realizing it.

And the time's arrived to stop pretending things are the same, for that brings only more stress when, over and over, I do not get my way. When I don't get to play my music loud and flit about the house in my apron doing what I want exactly when I want to. And all those other freedoms which come along with true, traditional Suzy Homemakering.

Those days are gone.

And there comes a time, one so vital, to admit when you lost what you once had. Otherwise you go, well, crazy. It's the people who skip the final stage of grief--Acceptance--who have been known to go insane. To go around pretending they still have what they lost, and have it (or him or her) the same way, paving a path to an other world which does not exist.

Or at the very least, they become a stressed-out bundle of nerves ready to snap at anyone who tries to help. (And uh-oh, I know about that lady, for I've been her lately. Many's the time I've asked myself, "What is the matter with you, Debra??")

So finally Suzy will have her funeral. And I will move on to Stage of Grief Number 5 (acceptance), for too many albeit-necessary hours have already been spent parked at Stages of Grief 1 through 4.

It's time to let go. To move on within my new parameters so that I can design a new way to live my days, to custom fit them into this new stage so to discover the fresh freedoms waiting for me there.


The good news? This will be my final post about the sadness of my lifestyle loss. I've written too many such posts (during those first four stages of grief) and it's time to end them for your sake. And since I'm choosing to move into Acceptance, that promise won't be hard to keep. Since Tuesday of this week, everything (everything!) about my life has looked so much brighter. (Thank goodness, right?) :)


Oh! Have you seen the new CBS show on Friday nights called Chaos? Tom and I caught the first two episodes and found them to have just the right amount of humor and drama. Love it.


Kristi in the Western Reserve said...

You need to find someone you like as well as Suzy! And even if you are mourning her loss, somehow, I think you need to find a small place of your very own. I would. But now I have too much of it.

K.E. said...

Grief has her own timetable. She may not be done yet. (and I for one would be just fine if you need to be on steps 1-4 for a bit longer. :)

I agree with Kristi - may you find someone you like as much - Suzette Semi-Homemaker...

Debra said...

Thanks, Kristi! Now that we *finally* have some good weather, I am able to sit out on our front porch and basically that's my own room. It's limited, though, what I can have and do out there, but at least it's 'mine'. This next winter I'll have my Mom Cave back, though, for Naomi will have moved out by then and oh! I may never come out of that place upstairs! :)

Thanks for your comment! ...Debra

Debra said...

K.E. --thanks! That was sweet of you to say you wouldn't mind if I stayed on those other steps awhile. :) In small ways I'm sure they will always be woven within some of my posts. I think we all kind of go in and out amongst them throughout our lives since it seems we're always needing to let go of something in order to move on.

Thanks for commenting!

Anonymous said...

Thanks for sharing these thoughts...I may soon be joining those ranks, being hubby is strongly talking of retiring. I think I will have those same feelings to go through. I know when hubby has a day off every other week, my time is not so much my own...and his speed and mine differ!! Life is a progression of change and adapting!!

Blessings, Elizabeth in NC

Lisa in Texas = ) said...

Oh Debra~ I can really understand where you are coming from. When Jason had his back surgery and was home for 3 months. I really began to miss - exactly what you were talking about. It is neat that you were able to realize it - because only when we admit something can we began the journey to acceptence.
May this new chapter of your life bring you joy- even if it is a different chapter.
Lisa :o)

Julie in Texas said...

Do you think the weather turning towards Spring has helped get you towards acceptance? That puts a real lift in your spirit, I see. :)

Debra said...

Elizabeth--you may want to start making a plan now. :) This has been one of the largest adjustments I've ever had to make in my life, but fortunately after time and determination, I am learning to carve a whole new life for myself. I'm sure you'll be able to do the same thing.

Lisa--Thanks! Yes, I had those glimpses before, too, all the times Tom had surgeries and long stretches of vacation time and I knew it would be hard making this adjustment full time. And it has been hard, but not impossible and as I told Elizabeth, I've had to make a whole new life for myself. Something like that always takes much time and creativity.

Julie--Yes, Spring has much to do with it, but also? It's the exercise and fresh air that I get with Springtime. Living where we do, winter is so harsh that I can't get outside, especially with Tom having a tendency to slip and with my dislike of driving in snow. That's why we really need to move to a milder climate as I mentioned in my post today (Sunday).

Thanks for your comments, Everyone....Debra