Knowing What You Want

I'm thinking about things. 

Christmas (of course) and how it's not fair that I can't eat junk like I used to and get away with it. And don't tell Tom, but I've also been tearing off chunks of bread for the backyard mice and training them to come when I call. It's like keeping pet mice in the back yard.

Yes, that's bad.  シ

I also remembered, as a child, I'd watch tv commercials and find myself craving Jif Peanut Butter, Wonder Bread and Chatty Cathy and being clueless that those commercials were influencing my childish longings.

Now, though, I get these adult longings, but they do not come from tv commercials. Mostly, tv commercials just annoy me.

I am, now, influenced by movies.

Long ago when Home Alone first came out, their house mesmerized me. (If you've seen the movie, you know exactly which house I'm speaking of.) Oh, the pretty colors, the arrangement of the rooms and the lighted windows at night. Never crazy about the kitchen, but I did love that the house had a basement and an attic.

And well, at that time, Tom, Naomi and I lived in a new, double-wide mobile home. I had to stretch my imagination extremely out of shape to believe it was anything like the Home Alone house. But a few years later we moved to our present house and finally! I had my basement and an attic, too.

But because I've evolved, my tastes have changed and when I watch Home Alone now, the house looks, well, a bit too 1980's for me. No, now the house of my dreams is the one from the old 1930's Blondie and Dagwood movies. I watch those movies sometimes for the plot, but mostly, to let my eyes gaze and dream upon Blondie's house and all her classic, cute stuff.

And then there's the black coat which Susan Lucci wore in her movie, Ebbie. Finally, only last year, I found just the right coat at the perfect (Salvation Army) price and because I have such a WILD imagination, I wear it and pretend I look as terrific as Susan.  ツ

And then of course there are the three-quarter shelves I put above my kitchen sink because Blondie had some above hers and the dark curtains I bought for our sunroom because I liked the ones in Welcome to Mooseport. There's the record player I put on my Christmas list because Jessica in Prancer had one and the vintage Christmas record I bought because of the vintage songs in The Polar Express.

Oh, and  Gary Hobson's Craftsman lamps and yellow pillowcases in Early Edition.

And maybe it sounds silly for me to bring all this up, but actually, I'll make a point. For many years, I was too vague in my thinking, wishing and desiring. Instead of actually knowing who I was, what I wanted, I more often walked around in a fog where I only complained that I never seemed to own things I love. That other people had lovely stuff, but mine never seemed to look quite right or express who I was inside.

The problem? I didn't know what I wanted because I didn't know who I was and I didn't realize that what I liked was ok, even if no one else liked it. I was wishy-washy, indecisive and afraid to dream big.

But when I finally began to listen to the voice inside of me rather than all those swirling around on the outside, I gained clues as to what I loved and desired. It's like I awoke from years of sleeping and now was unafraid to really look, see what's out there--and realized if I liked it, that was important because I mattered.

And now? Everywhere I look, especially on movies and tv, I remember that lesson and enjoy all the wonderful eye candy out there.



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