"Jesus answered, "I am the way and the truth and the life. No one comes to the Father except through me." ---John 14:6
Thursday, January 20, 2011
Oh, For Some Good Old-Fashioned Insecurity(?)
I'm gonna run this one again because it returns to me sometimes.
(Originally from 12-24-2008, though tweaked.)
If this post confuses you, never fear. It confuses me, too--and I'm the one writing it! シ
Years past, I used to decorate my house, like, all the time. I'd rearrange furniture every two weeks. I'd decorate for Christmas, too, get it appearing 'just so' and perfect.
Why? I wanted to keep up--not only with the Jones'--but with the ladies at church. I mean, isn't Life just one big competition where the winner gets all the respect and the wishful stares? Isn't it?
And I'd clean my house because hey, you never know when anyone might barge in for an inspect--, uh, visit. I'd get all gussied up each day for the same reason. I'd cook great meals to impress our house guests, exercise to impress everyone else and I'd read books so people could see what a good mind I had.
That, folks, is what I call major insecurity. But some people call it Just The Way Things Are.
But now? Now I cannot believe how differently I live. It was nearly fifteen years ago that I gave God permission to turn my life upside-down and change me into someone more like Him.
He took me up on it.
And most days (not all, ok?) I do what I do simply because He nudges me to do it. I like to call it obedience. I call it receiving grace and pure motive motivation. And I've discovered that I can do just one task which was His idea and it'll accomplish tons more than 30 of my own ideas.
But lately, I don't know. Either He's still giving me a break (because of all I've gone through this past year) or I'm just not hearing Him clearly. I mean, hey. I only mailed out 19 Christmas cards. Only 19! I usually send more than twice that. And my Christmas decor is only a fraction of what it once was. And I --
I just can't seem to overdo anything anymore. I don't run myself into states of exhaustion and I wonder if I'm accomplishing much after all, with this Just Obeying God stuff.
So part of me becomes tempted to ask for some old-fashioned insecurity for the supercharged boost which it gives(!) And for the appearance of good, lasting stuff it conjures and the way it aids in my blending-in with the rest of society, Christian or otherwise.
But the other part of me--the sane part--recognizes the absurdity of that.
So I guess I'll just keep plugging away in the restful, slow (though steady) way which God has for me now. And I'll call it Good, even though others --mostly likely--call it something altogether different.