Friday, March 25, 2011

Giving Myself Time to Adjust

"Whenever they measure themselves by their own standards or compare themselves among themselves, they show how foolish they are." 1 Corinthians 10:12


I've been reading more of my old posts from our suburb house and the apartment where we lived for 6 months after that.

Good grief! I sounded like Pollyanna On Speed. Seriously.

And I have been concerned. "Where did all that daily happiness go?" I ask myself. "I'm just not feelin' that. No, lately it's more like I spend my days aiming to pass tests and searching in corners for happy thoughts." And I'm, also lately, trying to keep conviction from straying into condemnation. Blech."

But then it comes to me: All these changes! 

All these changes I've experienced since August 31st when Tom lost his job. It takes time to adapt to changes like those, to learn how to live a whole other way, confidently depending upon God, not a paycheck. Especially when Mrs. Happy Loner now has two other people in her house almost constantly and she can't play her happy music loudly or run the vacuum whenever she wants or rearrange furniture on a whim or spend hours alone in blessed, sweet silence.

It requires much more time with Grace to adapt to all that.

What also doesn't help is that, in one month, my favorite kindred spirit cat died, I got sick, broke a tooth, two ribs slipped out of place, my one good ear is still clogged-up, the earthquake in Japan happened (on top of all the others) and it's Springtime yet there's snow all around, 20 degree days and long winters have always made me nuts.

But then that verse at the top of this comes to me and you know what? I'm comparing my past self to my present self (and being foolish.) I'm comparing the Debra who so often had her own way, got to do her own thing, with this new Debra who hasn't yet found the imagination to get what she needs in this new life. She's still too often giving-in and giving-up easily. Going with the flow instead of fighting, swimming upstream against the current.

Being the old happy Debra was, in reality, pretty easy. Walking in happiness for this new Debra is more challenging, so when satan is hissing that I'm growing weaker, how good of God to remind me that--in reality--I'll actually come out of this a stronger person who can find happiness anywhere--whether she gets her own way--or not. 

It takes Time and Grace (oh Grace!) to adjust to new Life Situations when they are thrust upon us. And I realized this morning I've been in a hurry to get it all right, to receive all A +'s--and then when I've gotten it wrong--I've been too hard on myself. And slipped from God's conviction into satan's (and my own) condemnation.

So. Rather than aiming for the old Pollyanna on Speed, instead, my goal is to become Debra on Grace. That sounds saner, with extra space for patience with myself, even. And much more do-able, for Grace is one awesome helper, indeed.


Often we expect way more from ourselves than even God, Himself, does!



Thickethouse.wordpress said...

"Pollyanna on speed" is such a funny and apt phrase! I can relate! But Debra on Grace sounds so much better. So much, much better! What always surprises me about my own life is the way I almost feel I have to learn anew everything I've learned in 66 years every morning when I wake up again. I does get easier, but I feel as if some of the most basic things have to be gone over and over again. Just part of being human, I guess. Debra, I keep you all in my prayers.

Anonymous said...

My parents gave me a large bag of all the letters I had sent them in my earlier years of being a homemaker and mother! I read them and they sounded so stupid!! Yes they brought back good memories of thing forgotten...but really!!! LOL I was a homemaker forever. Then the kids left. All too soon hubby retired early and I am no longer at home humming my way through the house. No longer listening to the radio a bit loud or staying outside to work as long as I want. Now it is the tv in the other room too loud for me but not for hubby with his hearing loss. It is more meals to make and interruptions after interruptions. Yet although I dreaded him being home and still long for some peace and quiet and Suzy Homemaker days I feel contentment too. This is just a new time in our lives. A natural progression. In earlier years he had been laid off too for a year or so along the way but then regained work. I was elated to have the house for myself again for a few hours then. Now those days are gone except for the very occasional time he is gone for a couple hours then I hurry and do things hard to do with him here. Not the way I would have done things in a Suzy Homemaker way I loved. Yet God has seen us through financially too and in so so many other ways. Grace lives with us too. Many women never even get to be home. I was so blessed to be able to pinch enough pennies to do it and loved every minute. Now hubby is home and no longer has that worry or struggle of daily work. Because he was able and willing to work all those years I should be forever grateful. God is good. P.S... I loved Kristi's above comment too! Sarah