I can't even express how horrible I feel.
Over at Facebook my niece said when her cat passed away last year she went to bed for two days, and well, I am about five minutes away from that. Or I would be, rather, if our bedroom had a tv, for without one, I would just lie there and keep playing the grief and regrets over and over worse than I'm doing already as I go about my daily tasks.
Oh Hindsight, you are cruel.
While driving home from the vet's office yesterday Tom and I discussed how we should wait to get another cat since we plan to move this year and--the more cats one has--the more complicated the move. Yet we get home and within five minutes what is Tom doing online? Staring at cats on the local SPCA webpage.
At least that made me chuckle.
While there, he read that it's not wise to get a cat who looks exactly like the one you lost, otherwise you'll make comparisons, and well, guess what I want to do more than anything? Find a cat who looks amazingly like Lennon, one I spend time with first to see if he has that extra something special. But still, I feel like I'll have to settle for second best for, yes, Lennon was that special.
Well, people say all sorts of varying, opposing things. Some say wait awhile to replace a cat, others encourage you to adopt one right away. So as with much in this Life, we must know ourselves and do as God leads since He custom-designed each of us and knows the cookie cutter approach is downright foolish.
Oh, but this pain is crushing and the 'if onlies' cut deeper still. More than ever I understand why people try so hard to distract their pain, to squash or drown it, to go around rather than through. More than ever, I get that. Yet always, healing only comes for those who go through for, one day, they find themselves stepping out of that doorway in the mountain of grief. But oh, those tunnels can seem eternal.
And sometimes I wonder if there's a special curse upon February--of any month, it seems I can count on this one to bring a tragedy, hence another reason why I must flee Buffalo's dark skies, jagged ice and dirty snow. Thankfully, Lennon's final day was filled with sunny-blue, warm skies as I clasped him against my heart and he gazed out the car window and they remained and comforted me after he was gone. But today the grey is back, the snow and icy winds, too, and well, as I said, I've got to get out of here. Out of February, too.