Saturday, February 19, 2011

Sad Ponderings

I can't even express how horrible I feel.

Over at Facebook my niece said when her cat passed away last year she went to bed for two days, and well, I am about five minutes away from that. Or I would be, rather, if our bedroom had a tv, for without one, I would just lie there and keep playing the grief and regrets over and over worse than I'm doing already as I go about my daily tasks.

Oh Hindsight, you are cruel.

While driving home from the vet's office yesterday Tom and I discussed how we should wait to get another cat since we plan to move this year and--the more cats one has--the more complicated the move. Yet we get home and within five minutes what is Tom doing online? Staring at cats on the local SPCA webpage.

At least that made me chuckle.

While there, he read that it's not wise to get a cat who looks exactly like the one you lost, otherwise you'll make comparisons, and well, guess what I want to do more than anything? Find a cat who looks amazingly like Lennon, one I spend time with first to see if he has that extra something special. But still, I feel like I'll have to settle for second best for, yes, Lennon was that special.

Well, people say all sorts of varying, opposing things. Some say wait awhile to replace a cat, others encourage you to adopt one right away. So as with much in this Life, we must know ourselves and do as God leads since He custom-designed each of us and knows the cookie cutter approach is downright foolish.

Oh, but this pain is crushing and the 'if onlies' cut deeper still. More than ever I understand why people try so hard to distract their pain, to squash or drown it, to go around rather than through. More than ever, I get that. Yet always, healing only comes for those who go through for, one day, they find themselves stepping out of that doorway in the mountain of grief. But oh, those tunnels can seem eternal.

And sometimes I wonder if there's a special curse upon February--of any month, it seems I can count on this one to bring a tragedy, hence another reason why I must flee Buffalo's dark skies, jagged ice and dirty snow. Thankfully, Lennon's final day was filled with sunny-blue, warm skies as I clasped him against my heart and he gazed out the car window and they remained and comforted me after he was gone. But today the grey is back, the snow and icy winds, too, and well, as I said, I've got to get out of here. Out of February, too.

5 comments:

Odie Langley said...

The skies will clear, the snow will end and we will go on somehow to greet yet another day. My personal recomendation would be to get the heck out of Dodge and then get another cat or kitten from wherever you move to. Just my thoughts. Hang in there, both of you.
Odie

Saija said...

i'm so sorry to hear that Lennon died ... we know about mourning over beloved pets ... we are still sad over our fearless feline's death - 4 years ago!!!! and though we have tried other cats - something has always happened that it hasn't worked out, or the cat was sick - or something - so we miss our special kitty even more ...

big (hugs) to you all ...

Pearl said...

So sorry to hear Lennon passed away. My own special cat passed away 3 yrs ago from the same thing. I haven't had another cat since. But the one that did pass away was a rescue from the pound. I didn't pick him though. I was walking thru looking at the cats they had there and he reached out of his cage and around the corner to grab me. He picked me and he was so special to me for the 12 yrs we had him.

Aunt Amelia's Attic said...

No words will help... Just wishing I could wrap you in gentle hugs...

Anonymous said...

Partings...one thing I will love to NEVER have to go through again, once we reach the Kingdom!! Our beloved dog had to be put down in December, while hubby and I were away on a trip. Our daughter and her vet friend had to do it. We felt doubly bad about that. But life here is not the same because we had her for almost 16.5 years...that is almost 1/4th of my life!! And as hubby said through our tears, well, how could we not miss her so, when she loved us better than nearly all humans? Tis so true...and we do have hope that she or one just like her will be ours in eternity. Why not? Some animals are beyond special. She was a once in a lifetime dog, we are not planning to get another at this point. It is just too hard to be without HER!! Seems a lot of us are going through this in recent months. My sympathies on your loss!