I get irked when reading in blogs, "Oh, I'd give anything to be 17 again and free from responsibility. I don't want to be an adult." Or, "I miss my parents," (years afterward), "so badly that I can barely function. If only they were still alive." Or, "I'm 65 and I'll always forever regret not becoming a world-famous ballerina."
You know, longing for impossible stuff, believing they cannot be happy without that one gone-forever thing. To me, that's like shooting yourself in the foot over and over, making it impossible to keep moving forward to something better up the road.
And yet guess what I've been doing? I've been longing for a 'do-over' with Lennon. Aching for a second chance to take him to the vet sooner, to not assume he was just (as usual) drinking more water because of the house's dry winter air. I've stood in front of his favorite chair willing him to mysteriously appear, curled up there, sleeping.
But after Death, there is no do-over.
Oh, I have been so rocked by this, so shaken and slung backward to feelings I'd forgotten it was possible to have. I've told myself, "I don't care. I just don't care about anything, for it hurts to care." I've wanted to quit--to quit just what, I'm not sure--but to quit something. And to not forgive myself, ever, as well.
For oh, the lies that Grief loves to tell us!
Well anyway, now I'm grateful for God's hundreds of tests over the last 17 years, especially. All those lessons! They taught me to stand when I felt like lying down and quitting, to listen to God rather than my pathetic feelings, to allow myself to go down only so low, but no lower and to search for light and joy in the darkest of times.
And also? To change what can still be changed, but to leave what is unchangeable, alone. Like, I may not be able to change the frigid, snow-covered scene outside our windows, but I can stop standing in front of those windows, murmuring complaints about that ice land out there.
I even, yesterday, changed my default city for weather reports over at Yahoo to Mount Airy, instead. (Yes, I really did.) Now, rather than always signing-in and being hit with 10 degrees or 18, I see 53 and 63--and then dream that someday I may experience 63 degrees in February(!)
And I have chosen to begin decluttering and cleaning my house for the day we'll put it up for sale (now there's a project to keep me busy till winter leaves!). And I'm house searching online, enjoying imagining myself within the rooms and yards of the houses I find--and picturing a couple new cats within those rooms, as well. Cats that will help carry away some of this ache within my heart.
Always, God is greater than our pathetic-ness. Always He brings Hope, but by the spoonful or bucketful--that's up to our willingness to receive. At least, that's how I feel about it.
We are not helpless. If God wants us to change something He will most certainly show us how and enable us to change it.
"Every increased possession loads us with new weariness." ... John Ruskin
(Thanks, Kim, for sharing that at Facebook this morning!)
"And David encouraged himself in the Lord..." 1 Samuel 30:6