Bleh. I have another birthday coming tomorrow. Sheesh, I've still not recovered from turning 50 last year! (I know, I know. You thought I had, right?)
I think it's a control issue thing. Seriously. I can't go back in Time, I can't make myself physically younger. Well, to an extent, yes, I can-- you know the actual vs. real age test/thing you can do online. But still, my chronological age will always be older than 50 now and only to an extent can I control the aging of my body. Not to mention, I have fewer years left here than the ones I've already lived. (Though, yes! Heaven will be amazing.)
Trust me, I know all of the platitudes. I know it's just a number and you're only as old as you feel, etc. But I still haven't accepted the big 5-0 as being real, or well, fair, either. Not yet. I need more time, I guess.
Control issues--ack! Isn't it wild how, just when you believe you've conquered something, God zooms in and shows you that, Nope! You've still got a ways to go. You still have more dying to self left to do.
Oh well. There are some things in this life which I can still control. Myself, for one thing. My attitude about Life (and aging) and people and my Country. God has made self-control available, that, and all those good fruits of the Spirit which can bring color to any dark day. It's my own fault if I don't pick that fruit for myself.
I can control what I eat and how much. Well, I can when I let God be in charge. That's also true when it comes to how I spend my time.
And I can control how my house looks. I can keep my possessions straightened and cleaned and arranged in a calming order. If I want to change the outside of my house and keep my clothesline up, I can (trust me, I have no desire to live in a neighborhood where a committee will knock on my door and threaten me if I make those sorts of changes). Someday, ok, but not now. Not yet.
There are about a thousand feelings I can control, though some people might disagree. But just because a certain negative thing happens, that doesn't mean certain feelings must push me around. The real me is in charge of how I feel--not other people's actions or words or the bad economy or who is President (or who is not) or what's going wrong or even what the weather happens to be doing. I can choose my feelings about Life. I am not helpless.
No, I have one great Helper, indeed. Thank-goodness. And He is the one who will help me accept this being 50 thing as only He can.
I've a feeling it will happen as soon as I choose to cooperate with God's plans and ideas about aging. Most of my personal changes happen quite fast when I break down and just cooperate with God.
"To everything, there is a season and a time and a purpose under Heaven. A time to be born and a time to die..." From Ecclesiastes 3