Saturday, April 19, 2008

Still here! Just doing what I tell all of you not to do... I've been so unbalanced with this buying a farmhouse thing. The whole place is decorated inside my head and our yearly project list is detailed till the year 2018. heh.
Can you believe how quickly time races by? How odd that age 17 still feels as close as last week inside my mind and I can hear, feel and see all the details of my hundreds of walks to school. What a dream world I strolled around in... with my textbooks in the crook of my arm I'd hum favorite show tunes from musicals like Carousel, Cinderella (remember the Leslie Ann Warren one?) and The Sound of Music. I was headed down sidewalks to school, but I may as well been dancing on a green hillside, for all the dreams coating my brain.
And now on my birthday next year I will turn half a century. Good grief.
Yet during these empty nest years, I've felt like a teenager again--only in a better, wiser, more confident way. Gone is the extreme insecurity (what will everyone else think?), the angst, and the moodiness (well, sometimes the premenopausal stuff surges, but usually not for long, especially if I eat right). I awake with a song in my head each morning, though I don't find myself humming during my walks. Well, not yet, but who knows?
And now June may find me feeling more like a teenager than ever. Why? Because ever since I was 14 (or so) I've wanted to live inside an 1800's farmhouse on a few acres. And already I'm anticipating the freedom I will know out there. Finally, in the mornings I can step outside in my robe if I wish without neighbors only feet away peering at me from their windows (or without me imagining they are). Maybe I'll even jog circles in our fields. I can hang clothes on my own clothesline and climb around in our barn, creating a sort of greenhouse in the second story at the windows you see (or almost see) in the tiny photo, above.
And I can decorate the house in ways probably no one else in the whole town has decorated theirs. Because I am nearly 50. Because I learned tons of what to do and what not to do from fourteen years in the 'classroom' of our last house.
In fact, driving home from the supermarket last week, I wondered about certain color details of our new future rooms--pondered which choices I should make. A tiny voice said, "You should certainly know by now--at age 49--what you like and do not like."
And at first, I agreed.
But right away another thought piped up, "No, technically, that's not true. Always you are changing, evolving and morphing into a better, wiser, more mature you. In order for that to happen, you will have changed your tastes and desires many times along the way."
How true. And how freeing to, without regrets, willingly leave behind all the decor ideas I found marvelous years ago... allowing just the few which I still treasure to rise to the surface...
...and grace a whole new house and a whole new life. After all, one cannot advance on the journey while struggling with all the unpacked baggage of previous trips. At least not comfortably... nor freely.
"There is no growth without change." ... copied


Kristi in the Western Reserve said...

Debra, I am so thrilled for you and Tom! I think this is going to be wonderful for you, really wonderful. I hope I do get a chance to visit you this summer. I'm trying to figure out some of my schedule which is pretty full, but I am looking forward to it. I miss Paul so much, but I am also enjoying the freedom I have now. And I feel he is still close to me.

Ann Voskamp @Holy Experience said...

Yes! "After all, one cannot advance on the journey while struggling with all the unpacked baggage of previous trips. At least not comfortably... nor freely." ~Beautiful, true words~

Enjoy that flapping laundry and early morning looking across your fields. He gives such gifts... You are *blessed,* friend....

All's grace,

Charity Grace said...

Great post, Debra. You will have such fun with your new place!