Sunday, June 10, 2007

Choosing To Wait Well


"A double-minded man is unstable in all his ways." James 1:8

Ain't that the truth!

Last week I mixed bitter with sweet and contentment with discontentment and created some pretty pathetic hours.

I remembered how God told me to, while we're waiting to move, live a new way inside this old house and town and I tried to do that. But I said good-bye to our house and this town too soon. And simultaneously, I allowed myself to stay a little impatient and discontented, everyday wishing (for the zillionth time) that we weren't squeezed between two other houses, that we had a large yard, a clothesline and a new old house, one with every room sighing (pleading?) for help.

Even a tiny dosage of double-minded stuff can cause a huge amount of trouble. Tom got annoyed with my complaining and suddenly I felt like my creative spirit got tired, packed up and moved away. I could think of nothing to do, except to complain more and sit outside on our porch appearing pathetic for all the neighbors.

That under-the-surface stuff can mess you up. The stuff you can't see clearly, even though it's going on right behind your eyes--inside your head--and inside your heart. It's all rather like being careful to drink only a vial of poison, not a pitcher full.

So I had to die some more this week... had to go down lower in order to come up higher (as they say). I made myself cease wishing for things outside of their timing and instead, I accepted Life As It Is. I thought I'd learned that, but again, I had to learn it at a deeper level (you can know something and yet not really know it)... especially since God doesn't let me get away with much anymore. You go walking with Him a few years and all that 'to whom much is given' stuff comes into play, way more than you'd like.

And I must have succeeded because everything has changed, even though nothing really has changed. A head can only hold so much, and now, since the complaints are gone, there's room for creativity, instead. I've so many changes in mind for our house and its decor. I'd somehow believed I couldn't touch this house since the realtor approved of it last month when she gave the evaluation, but now I realize I can switch around all my knick-knacks-- if that's what I want. I can create the kinda-beachy look I've wanted for months, but have put-off for invisible reasons.

And I can do what I've procrastinated during the years we've lived here. With some boldness, I can advertise to begin an empty-nester tea party group. Tom and I can visit the shops and museums and restaurants we've always meant to (we began this weekend--fun!). I can meet for coffee in shops with old friends I've lost touch with here in town, even if it's just for one more conversation before we move away. I can even fill a whole tablet or binder with decorating ideas for the rooms of our future house, even though I've not seen those rooms--I can at least choose the colors and some new ideas for them.

Waiting well.... being single-minded, with true patience, the kind that trusts God to know what He's doing, even when I don't. Being very, very ok with that ... growing to love Him more so that, wherever He and I are together, all is well... and having wonderful, creative weeks and months in the meantime...

...those are my new goals.

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