I had an epiphany tonight.
Sometimes I hear from various old friends after months or years and they'll tell me about all the changes in their lives. They'll go on and on Christmas form-letter style, brag--...er.... rejoicing about...
their new jobs,
or how their whole family is on fire for God
or all the vacations they've taken
or how their church is growing, etc., etc.
Nearly always, those types of reports have triggered funny feelings in me. Not funny-funny, but funny-uncomfortable. Something which sticks to me like a burr for days, when what I really want is to just feel happy for those folks like the Bible says I should.
Over and over, I've asked myself if it's a matter of jealousy on my part, but after some soul-searching I usually realize, no--that's not it, exactly. I mean, I don't want a new job... I love my family just the way they are (though we can always stand to change and grow in certain areas)... I love the simple, no-frills vacations Tom and I take, etc... And yet I'd still go around wishing I knew why those reports made me feel downcast.
But now I think I know why. It's more a matter of letting those glowing reports make me feel like I am not keeping up. Rather like "not keeping up with the Jones'", except that it's not about things and stuff --it's about deeper issues. Not keeping up with spiritual growth, maybe. Growth which appears to have happened overnight in my friends, yet it took years for them just as it takes years for me. But my mind forgets to inform me that I've not heard from these people in years.
I think I've been guilty of this verse, even though I've always considered it one of the Bible's most important warnings:
"...but they... comparing themselves among themselves, are not wise." 2 Corinthians 10:13
This whole thing is weird because I know better. I've heard lessons on this stuff and even taught messages on it, myself. But here is the crux of the matter--my friends' glowing reports test my deepest layers of insecurity which have not yet been dealt with by God. Almost like they come along to stir up a bunch of sediment in the bottom of a glass--and I am the glass. Much of that ugly stuff has been dealt with, yet there is more left to examine, confess and let go of so that it will not spill over into all my relationships, making me an insecure, uptight whiner.
My desire is to be a rejoicer with those who are rejoicing about God's goodness to them.
All in God's timing, of course. He doesn't want me working on what He is not currently working on in me. And as long as I'm cooperating with Him, the work will always be done at just the right time. And I so desire God's timing on everything.
Hopefully, this all makes sense to you. Really, I hope it does, because seeing this for myself makes me feel great. It shows me how far I've come and gives me hope that God will take me the rest of the way--all in His perfect timing.
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"Rejoice with those who rejoice..." Romans 12:15
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Just a quick note today... Finally we are getting a break inbetween snow storms so I will brave the roads and drive to the supermarket. I've put that off as long as possible and yesterday we ran out of eggs and flour (the healthy kind) and milk and well, even a professional homemaker like me finds it hard to bake without those things.
So here is my thought: When God wants us to do something--as in fulfill our calling or put our gifts to use-- He provides the way and means with which to do that. And the necessary time. And money.
God is not a big, mean tease. He does not require something of us and yet make it impossible for us to do whatever it may be. He, instead, provides a way where there is no way. Opens doors other men may close (opens a few windows, too).
Why do I bring that up? I guess it's because I've heard a lot of people complain (dare I say whine?) lately that they never get to do what they really want to do nor have what they'd like to have. Something, they say, always stands in the way.
So I wonder...where could the problem lie?
Have we grown impatient? Are we wanting to run ahead of God and zoom past the necessary foundational training years of our calling? Are we wanting to skip the homework and go right to graduation?
Are we spending our time wisely? Are we saying no and yes when God wants us to say no and yes? Is choosing good over best gobbling up our time?
Are we standing in a whole wrong field? Did we look longingly at another person's calling and decide that's what we wanted, even though God never equipped us to do that?
Or scariest of all, did we lose our first love? Instead of going after more of Jesus to fulfill us are we, instead, going after affirmation from people to meet our needs? Or running after things and stuff? Have we forgotten that only Jesus can meet our deepest needs and that everything else will then, in turn, come from His hand which gives so freely (after He's certain these things won't steal our hearts)?
Just a few thoughts for today. These are for me, too-- my boundaries--boundaries which, when in their correct place--keep me from whining...
...and keep me so happy, that I often wonder why this kind of happiness hasn't yet been declared illegal.
***
"What God orders, He pays for." ... Joyce Meyer
There is a verse which says, "Do not despise the day of small beginnings." Or something like that (I am such a Bible scholar, I know...).
Today I was remembering a young woman who appeared on the first two or three episodes of this season's American Idol. She had a husband, a little daughter, and a big dream to sing in front of the world. And before she was dismissed, early, from the competition, they showed her saying over and over with tears in her voice--before and after the commercials--"If I can't sing, I know I'll just die.". And in that episode, she lost her chance to move on in the competition.
I still feel sad for her. Not because I think she will now die (as her passionate words would have us believe), but because she didn't appear to understand the principles of dreams.
A dream begins with a seed. Seeds are so tiny. And nearly always there are a hundred tiny ways to begin living a dream. This woman has a daughter she can sing to. That kind of singing resonates in big ways with God--if only it resonated with us mothers in the same way.
She has a husband with whom to share her songs. Friends. Most churches love to find good singers. Perhaps her daughter attends a school at which this woman could lead the children to sing and give them a love for what she loves. There are nursing homes where she would find audiences who crave the gift of song.
Do not despise the day of small beginnings...
To me, a dream is like a God-given gift, and gifts are meant to bless others more than myself. My God-given dreams are not all about me. They are not even meant to make me feel good about myself. God makes me feel good about myself. I go to Him for all of that--and He is always faithful to give me what I can find no place else.
Being faithful in small things will lead to big things. "He who is faithful in little things will be made ruler over much." (Another verse I'm too lazy to look up.)
God rewards faithfulness in the early, silent years where it's just you and Him. In the days when no one knows or cares you even have a dream.
But it takes humility to start small.
Dreams require so much work on their foundations--and who cares about seeing the basement? A lot of silent years go into building our character along with the building of the dreams. Woe unto him whose character is weaker than his gift.
Dreams require fortitude when you'd much rather just quit during the silent years.
Dreams require hard work.
Dreams require God.
No wonder so many of us never see our dreams through to completion.
No wonder we sit in breath-catching awe and watch those who had the courage to fulfill their dreams.
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