In my last post I mentioned how I, too, will probably never get to Paris or Rome.
And yet...Who knows? Perhaps I will.
While cleaning house one Spring day in 1999, a thought from the clear blue sky floated down inside my head. This thought said, "You will probably never get to visit Washington D.C. before you die. How do you feel about that?" I thought, "Well, I guess I can accept that."
(Strange, huh?)
And yet that very summer Tom and I, in an amazing turn of events, found ourselves riding a magical bus tour through Washington D.C. Oh my, we loved every minute. I cried at the Lincoln Memorial (couldn't help it) and we floated through the Smithsonian, the one which holds neato stuff like Fonzie's jacket, Archie Bunker's chair and George Washington's tent. We still consider that vacation our very favorite one.
And that same year I began often repeating the phrase, "Never say never!"
I think I look at this verse a little differently than most people:
"Delight yourself in the Lord and He will give you the desires of your heart." Psalm 37:4
To me that says, "Keep God as your number one desire, and then He will put into your heart the other desires He thinks you should have."
God-given desires get fulfilled. God would be totally unfair, unjust and unkind if He did not fulfill desires He gave me in the first place.
My job, then, becomes to never lose hope...or faith...or trust.
I have found my friendship with God is the answer to my every dream, wish or prayer. I can trust Him to meet all my basic needs and so anything else is just a cherry on top. So now it's easy (well, easier) for me to want only what God wants for me--I've seen by experience that He knows me best and knows exactly--exactly--the friends and places and trinkets I will love most.
So again, who knows? Maybe I will get to Paris or Rome someday. But I'll leave it up to God.
In the meantime, He will remain my number one need. And He will always be enough.
***
That is the title of one of my all-time favorite Out of the Grey songs. (Please tell me you are familiar with the group, Out of the Grey!)
I heard this song today--first time in probably two years--and just had to share it with you. I do wish you could hear the music, too, because it sharpens the words into little arrows which pierce your heart. ***Special Note*** Alas! You can listen to this song here.
Young lovers without much
Save each other
Isn't that enough?
Paint the future a little day by day
Making plans with no regard for what may come our way
This cup fills up so quickly
There's so much on our plate
Between the living and the learning
Some things must wait
So we never got to Paris
And found the cafe of our dreams
But our table holds a whole world of memories
No, we never went to Venice
And strolled the streets alone
But we built our worlds together and got the best of both.
There's still wonder in our eyes
But we see each other in a different light
Yet the future isn't always clear
Now the question is where do we go from here?
This cup fills up so quickly
There's so much on our plate
Between the living and the dying
Some things must wait
We may never get to Paris
And find the cafe of our dreams
But our table still will hold a whole world of memories
If we never get to Venice
And roam the streets alone
We'll hold our worlds together and we'll keep the best of both.
***
This is one of those songs... you know... that brings tears of gratitude to my eyes every time I hear it. And it's funny because for years and years I wanted to go to both Paris and Rome, but now, well, I know I could never love them as much as I love the home God has given me. Oh, not just the wooden structure, but the world Tom and I have built within that home.
I love those tears of gratitude--they spill from a very full heart. They used to flood my eyes on ordinary afternoons around the house only once or twice a year. Lately they've come once or twice a week.
Now I'm aiming for once or twice a day.
***
"Gratitude is the most exquisite form of courtesy." ...Jacques Maritain
***
It's weird. When I first became a Christian, I had no trouble handing over all my previous sins and guilt over to God. I had no problem receiving forgiveness because of (or through) Jesus' sacrifice for me.
But afterward....huh. For years when I would sin or make mistakes or however you want to put it, I would hold onto the guilt like it was holy or something. Like I deserved to feel guilty for weeks because of what I'd done.
Oh, think you've never done that? ....Hmmmm? 
Have you ever done something which you, afterward, knew darn well was wrong, so then you asked forgiveness, but then you asked for something else too--a sort of a deal which goes a little like this: "Lord, if you'll just forgive me one more time, I'll spend the next two days doing kind things for people. And I'll be extra-nice to my husband, too."
Good grief. I used to do that all the time, never realizing it was a downright insult to God. I mean, here He'd gone and sent His son to die for me, yet I was still, thousands of years later, making my own sacrifices for my own sins. Still paying for the ones I committed most often.
I didn't realize that either Jesus' sacrifice on the cross was enough--or it wasn't. I didn't realize that I'd become proficient at turning conviction from God into ugly, bat-over-the-head condemnation.
Guilt, the walking-around-and-feeling-bad-about-yourself kind, is a trap. Not only does it make me feel shameful when I'm around other Christians who appear to be more holy than I am, but it tempts me to avoid God. It causes me to spend time hiding from Him (as if I could) because of an innate embarrassment. When I hold onto guilt instead of letting it go, I become extremely sin-conscious instead of new-life-conscious.
That kind of guilt is like quicksand. If I'm to become like Jesus, I must spend time with Him. Listen to His voice. Get to know Him for myself. Yet if I'm stuck in the quicksand of guilt--avoiding Him because of my sins or trying to pay for them--then
I'll not grow, just as fruit cannot grow when it's not receiving life-giving sap from the tree.
Well, anyway...that is what I've found.
My whole life changed when I finally learned to run to God when I had sinned--instead of running away from Him by trying to pay for my badness myself. I still mess up every single day, yet Jesus and I still have a great time together each day. And I'm growing now, especially since Grace arrived to help me around my house--and around my heart.
The three of us are having one terrific time.
***
"But if we walk in the light, as he is in the light, we have fellowship one with another, and the blood of Jesus Christ his Son cleanses us from all sin." ... I John 1:7
