Tonight I drove to Taco Bell--very unusual for me to be out at night and even more unusual for me to pick up something from a taco place (I leave that to Tom). The teenage boy at the window asked if I wanted hot, medium or mild sauce and this will sound wild, but I drove home wondering what kind of a Christian am I--hot, medium or mild?
I guess what really made me wonder, was the fact that I've read some blogs lately whose writers have advocated that we, as Christians, should be rather medium-sliding-into-mild ones. They tell me not to share scripture. Don't talk about my faith. Don't say I am a Christian because I just may be expected to live like one.
They tell me to just be nice. Loving. Blend in so that I don't appear different. Talk like everyone else--even swear--that's fine. Don't quote from the Bible. Be a carbon copy buddy and act like the world in order to win them.
Win them to what? A secret club whose goal is to look like everyone else?
Hot, medium or mild?
What kind of a Christian am I?
I know what I don't want. I don't want to be medium or mild:
"I know your deeds, that you are neither cold nor hot. I wish you were either one or the other! So, because you are lukewarm–neither hot nor cold–I am about to spit you out of my mouth." Revelation 3:16
I don't want to avoid mentioning Jesus' name to others. If I do, He said he'd not mention my name to God.
I don't want to forget that Jesus used the Word of God to defeat satan. He told us to study it ... that it is a lamp so we'll see the way to go... it brings health... it is wisdom... it is sharper than a two-edged sword when it is rightly divided... and it will last forever.
And He asked how will people know about Him unless we tell them?
I am to be in this world, but not of it. Plain, simple--but it requires sacrifice. And maybe that's the whole problem.
Hot, medium or mild?
As I told the kid at the Taco Bell window, "I'll take hot, please."
***
"But you are a chosen generation, a royal priesthood, a holy nation, a peculiar people; that you should show forth the praises of him who has called you out of darkness into his marvelous light..." ... 1 Peter 2:9
"Come out from among them, and be separate, says the Lord, and touch not the unclean thing; and I will receive you..." II Corinthians 6:17
"You are the light of the world. A city that is set on an hill cannot be hidden." Matthew 5:14
Speaking of Nevada (my earlier post)...
I'd just turned 29 when we moved to the Nevada desert.
Later, at 31, we moved into an adorable 70 year-old house there in the same town and I should have experienced more happy days inside that sky-colored stucco home. Spring-Pink was sponged over white on the living room walls and there was lots of white trim and even oak floors. We had a big back yard and I planted cosmos which grew like pink, lavender and white stars around the birdbath and reached over my head. And Naomi, at 11, grew up alongside them. Finally I had my own dear old house--I'd wanted one since I was 12.
But I had too many sad afternoons in that house because I wanted what God did not want for me. I was incredibly insecure so I latched onto all sorts of jobs at church. I saw them each as 'ministry' to other people, but really, I used them to give me self-definition and to make me feel good and secure about my sad self.
Not surprisingly, each of those 'ministries' eventually rose up to claw and rip me apart. God had never told me to take on those things, so Grace wasn't there to help me or defend me when I messed up. When people criticized what I was doing, I fell apart because I'd invested all I was into those ministries and I'd invested more than I could afford to lose. My motivation and thinking were all wrong, my foundation was all cattywampus and I stupidly expected ministry to set them--to set everything--right. To patch-up and fill what was missing inside.
Things got bad. One day there in our little dream home I stood in my living room and did the Scarlet O'Hara bit: "As God is my witness, I will never care about people again!"
And I willed my heart to turn to stone.
Then one day at my lowest point, I stood in our little library room and thought about my future. I paused and peering ahead, all I saw was grey. Depressing, rolling grey fog--that's all that lay ahead in the path. A lie was told me that day and believing it, I went under.
But God brought me out. Not by way of a Poof! Miracle, but instead, by a Bit By Bit Over The Years Miracle. But that's another blog post (or ten). And now it would be hard for you to find a more contented, peaceful person. He cleared up my confusion about ministry and purpose and He's shown me what happens when I really do love Him best. How Life feels as it should that way. It feels meant-to-be-before-the-Ages good.
And now maybe you can understand why some of my posts sound the way they do--celebratory and almost careening over the Happy Ledge.
If you are in your own Nevada Years... If you have seen that depressing, rolling grey future cloud, remember--it usually appears right before the sun is about to come out and change absolutely everything.
***
Haloscan commenting and trackback have been added to this blog.
And darn, darn, darn... All my comments on this page have been erased. And of course, I have about a million posts on this page and there were lots of comments... Excuse me while I crawl off in a corner and scream %#$%@#$&*)#$%!!!!
I remembered that Saija (hi Saija!) had added HaloScan and said something about her comments being erased and then she'd said something about no, they weren't afterall. But it was all so hazy to me and I didn't reread her post about that until *after* I'd added Halo Scan and saw that eeks! Everybody's previous comments on this long, long page were gone. And at her blog I discovered the awful truth-- I should have had only a couple of posts on this page before I installed Halo Scan.
Well, all I've gotta say is that HaloScan had better be worth it... :)
And I do sincerely apologize to everyone whose comments I hadn't responded to yet. Especially to the new commenter who had such a terrific blog full of Christian T-shirts. I can' recall your name, but your blog was very unique and fun to read.
Oh well... I'll just chalk this up to another of those Live and Learn Things... probably # 3,459 for me. Nothing to lose sleep over, certainly!
Oh, and let this be a warning to any of you out there who've not yet installed HaloScan! :o)
