I've not been in Blogland awhile because, well, I've felt a bit pensive and reclusive. The ol,' 'I wanna be a hermit' thing has buzzed inside my head again. Just a phase, don't worry.
I remembered the old days when I almost never could find anyone with whom to share thoughts like those you find here in my blog. Most other people only wanted to chat about surface stuff from the tops of their heads, not from the bottoms of their hearts.
For a couple years back there in Nevada I even despised the thought of small-talk and I'd stay silent, (at church, especially), rather than take part in silly, going-nowhere conversations.
But I lightened up (as a sane person should) and learned to do the small-talk thing. It was either that or spend lots of time standing in corners, talking with no one. And I learned to appreciate the very, very few people (two or three?) in my life who enjoyed speaking from their heart the deeper things.
And then in July of 2004 I discovered blogging! Nearly 5 years ago I suddenly found a means by which to speak from my heart to anyone who chose to listen. It was like finally writing a book to explain myself and share what I believed God wanted to say through me, without requiring the acceptance of some picky, non-understanding editor. And ever since, I've never begrudged anyone in my 'real life' for their tendencies to do the small-talk stuff if that is where they are and what they prefer (as true compassion does). Blogging has met my need to get out what has always bubbled-up within me, some of it since I was just a teenager. And oh, how good that feels.
Mostly. Yet last week I thought, "You know? Sometimes I miss keeping my thoughts to myself and just hugging them close within the special rooms I've chosen or while taking walks. I miss having new thoughts--or experiences-- without automatically forming them into concrete sentences so I can later include them in my blog."
Sometimes I just want to think and hear and listen without feeling I must share it all here.
And actually? I believe God was just reminding me to think more often of Him and me than I do of Him, me, and the whole blogging gang together. You know, all one-hundred of us (or so). He was simply reminding me to treasure the time He and I have alone, to appreciate what He gives me, and then--afterward-- just allow Him to direct me in what I share here, rather than feel I must share every bit.
Some thoughts are not meant to be shared either at all, or not until farther down the lane after they've been meditated upon and sifted. And so I think all this wanting to keep some thoughts for myself was a simple reminder to relax.... to not feel pressure to form those 'instant sentences' inside my head... and to just enjoy God and Life. And write about them only when The Spirit moves.
"Meditate upon these things; give yourself wholly to them; that your profiting may appear to all." 1 Timothy 4:15
"Love the Lord your God with all your heart, soul, mind and strength."