Survivor's Guilt. Finally I Understand It.

"But if anyone has the world's goods and sees his brother in need, yet closes his heart against him, how does God's love abide in him? Little children, let us not love in word or talk but in deed and in truth."   ... 1 John 3:17, 18


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For years I'd watch Oprah or Dr. Phil, etc., discuss survivor's guilt with their guests who'd not died in a tragedy, but lived. Their feelings from having walked (or limped) away.

Guilt that their loved one(s) did not make it, yet they, the survivor, did.

Man, that sounded odd to me. Why not choose extreme gratitude, instead? Why not move on with a heart bursting with thanks toward God for your second chance?

But oh dear. This week I got it. 

The coronavirus has shredded our Country into sad, confused, ugly little pieces, but Tom and I? We're fine. Thriving, even, as he works from home and I carry out 6 years' worth of prepper plans.

"I was born for this!" I've told myself, often at 3:30 a.m., meticulously checking food and supply lists, kneeling before shelves, counting things, watching instructional Youtube videos and then social-media-encouraging folks. And --

Then yesterday I stepped downstairs to Tom at his work computer and 3 big screens. He said, "Our stimulus check came." 

"What?!," I exclaimed. "Why did we get a check? You still have your job. Weren't those for people who'd lost theirs? No wonder our Country is financially wrecked! Couldn't they have just sent money to people who truly need it?" 

(I try to keep up, but I'd totally missed that everyone is supposed to get those checks.)

Then he said, "Well, actually, you got paid, too. Since we're married, the amount was doubled."

Oh my goodness. I saw red. Like red blindness. The room swirled, tipped.

"Me? I don't even have a job! Why in the heck would they pay me? I don't even want it! It's not right. They could've put my share into overall totals and given desperate people more."

And yesterday I finally understood survivor's guilt.

For me it means the feeling you get when you came out of tragedy just fine, but others did not. They are still suffering and you're good, all set for a normal, sweet life.

And more, of course, but this is a simple blog post.

Anyway, two things calmed me down. 1.) Tom reminded me that there is the little matter of the stock market having imploded with our retirement savings inside.

Well, yeah. There's that. ツ

And 2.) Naomi was, along with her restaurant co-workers, fired from her job last month. We can use this extra money to help her with rent. We can also be led by God to give it to the unemployed, do more take-out (to support small business), be more generous with gifts.

We can kneel and help pick up shards of peoples' dream glass.

Also, we can tell it far and wide that our God delights in bringing good out of bad and strengthening our hearts during tragic times so we need not faint in our minds, but trust and obey Him--

---while He shows us specific ways to make everything right-side-up and whole again.

And yes, I'm remembering to be thankful for the stimulus money. 


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This? This is why I view the Michigan protestors as heroes, for their fighting for what they need. This shut-down is ramping up all sorts of other kinds of deaths--





Another reason America must get back to work? Here--

One evangelist heard a divorce lawyer last week say, "No more divorce cases! I can't handle another single divorce case! Our firm has too many right now."



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Need help making meals from your pantry? Or stretching your food dollars? Or learning how to garden or save money on clothing or household repairs? Need to laugh or learn more about God?

Seriously, I recommend Youtube. Help and wisdom of all kinds is there from experienced, practical-minded online neighbors.

Just plug in your request in the search box.


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Have a bit of extra time? I shared this at Facebook--

Yes! Confirmation City which did my heart a ton of good this afternoon. Taken from his latest Youtube video. 

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Come Out Of The Caves!

..... God told Elijah to come out of the cave where he'd been wrapped in fear and loss of hope. He told him to go back to work and fulfill his calling...

(Today) get out of the cave! Exercise your calling whatever it is and make a difference. As our rights are being violated, justified or not, it's easy to retreat, to lick our wounds. That's a prison.

But there comes a time when we have to gather ourselves up, we need to cry, "That's enough!" Vacate the cave and confront the fear... For some of us that means taking up our swords in the spirit and engaging in consistent, aggressive... power-filled prayer. Or to worship with a determined warfare flavor to it. For some of us that means picking up the phone... and reaching out to brothers and sisters with encouragement and help. For others this may mean engaging in civil disobedience like the 10,000 angry people who drove their cars to the Michigan state capitol ... to protest what the governor of the state was doing to violate their rights in the name of protecting them from the coronavirus that is destroying jobs and lives.

It might mean raising your voice in some other way, some other means that's appropriate and available to you. 

No matter how it applies to you in some form of practical application, it means facing down the fear, breaking out of isolation and depression, rejecting passive submission, leaving the cave ... and coming alive again.

It's time to start coming out of our caves!

--- Pastor R. Loren Sandford

"For if you forgive others their trespasses, your heavenly Father will also forgive you, but if you do not forgive others their trespasses, neither will your Father forgive your trespasses." ... Matthew 6:14,15

I Feel Sadness In The Air

"Draw near to God, and he will draw near to you... If we live by the Spirit, let us also walk by the Spirit."   --- James 4:8, Galations 5:23

Difficult times do not weaken God's power, but instead, make a way to increase it if we'll do as He asks.


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When Tom lost his job in August of 2010? Wow. Gut-Punch City. Three other guys were laid-off: the company downsized.

The first two days? Tom and I could barely breathe. Shock is like that.

But soon we felt God saying, "I'll get you through this! But you must listen. Remain determined. View Life through a positive slant of light."

And now when I recall those 20 jobless months, I remember miracles. The odd ways bills got paid, how Life went on with joy and how we even bought this little house in our unemployment.

But yeah, at first, a wonderful future looked impossible. I remember that, also.

And these coronavirus days? Oh. My. Goodness. What unemployed folks must be feeling! This makes Tom's sudden 2010 joblessness look like a birthday party. Things are 1,000 times worse, but thank-goodness, God is a kazillion times mightier. Whew.

But still, this sudden lack of employment for millions of people is like a bad dream from which they cannot awake. It is not their fault, it's highly fraught with questions, and America--

Doesn't, as a whole, know what it's doing.
Changes its mind daily as to what to try next.
Can't give us any real answers about the future.
Has state officials gone mad with control.
And has suspended the rights our Country was founded on.


And since this is my blog, let me rant here: 

If you are one of my friends who's been social-media-yelling, "JUST STAY HOME! Your rights do not matter now! The government knows best.", well, your gullibility and over-whelming fear is not welcome in my world. And especially if you would deny people their God-given right to protest mistreatment? I will be ignoring you until this is over. Well, it will never be totally over so, hey, this is most likely, good-bye. Be well.


I personally am searching for more. 

As in, strong folks who speak out bravely against injustice, over-reaction, fear-spreading and lunacy. Ones who know God never created us to live under house arrest. (A sampling of their links will be at the bottom of this post.)

Anyway. I feel sadness in the air. Chaos, also, but that's another post.

Often since a teenager, I've felt heavy disturbances in the air around me and woah, Nelly! It hardly gets any heavier than these present days.

So even though my life isn't greatly changed--still--I can feel some of the pain wafting around from the millions whose lives will never be the same, ever. And it keeps me from complacency, love-gone-cold and that dreadful it's-all-about-me disease.

And I'll end this post with this: In these times of deep trouble, may each of us also hear God declaring:

"I'll get you through this! But you must listen. Remain determined. View Life through a positive slant of light."

May we truly reflect the God who strengthens us and in so-uncertain times remain open to newness as directed by Him:


New ideas.
New ways of thinking. Creating.
New ways of working.
New ways of being.
New ways of thriving in a new normal.


And may we hang on tightly to Jesus on this new wild ride adventure and never, ever let go. No matter what.

"Likewise the Spirit helps us in our weakness... He will guide you into all the truth ... whatever he hears he will speak, and he will declare to you the things that are to come."   --- Romans 8:26, John 16:13



"We know all things work together for good for those who love him and are called according to his purpose....you believe in him and are filled with an inexpressible and glorious joy..." --- Romans 8:28, 1 Peter 1:8


Whatever your calling/gift from God? Now's the time to go full-force with it. Mega-help and encouragement is needed like never before. People everywhere need to know our God delights in bringing good out of bad.

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"How can you look around this country right now and say we are 'the land of the free, the home of the brave'? Where are we seeing that, exactly?

If our commitment to freedom can be suspended, is only up until the point we are afraid of something, then our commitment to freedom is not any different. It's only about on par with the rest of the world. There's nothing special about us in that regard." --- Matt Walsh


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The links I mentioned from my new friends:

Your Rights Are Suspended

Time For Civil Disobedience

Shutting Down Meat Plants, The Wake-Up Call

LA Closed Into May: When Does This End? (Forward to 3:00)

Another Week of Waiting

Coronavirus Crisis Is Teaching Us A Lot About So-Called Experts

Citizens Begin To Stand Up Against Tyranny

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Doubting overreaching of governmental control?

In Beverly Hills you can't step outside your front door without a mask. You will be fined $1000 after a first warning. There is no science to back-up you'll be safer outside with a mask.

In Michigan? You cannot go out and buy seeds or plants in okay, okay, big box stores. Does that make some of you happier? Does that make better sense to you that it's fine to walk into a big box store and buy paper towels, but heaven forbid that you buy seeds or plants there? Frankly? It only makes it worse. Now you must drive someplace else and interact with more people in order to buy seeds or gardening supplies--if you can find those places. You can't tell me one single reason that this promotes safety. Not one. Only a far deeper dependence upon the government for food.

And don't get me started about the drive-through church in MS where 15 patrol cars(!) showed up to give out $500 fines to folks sitting inside their cars with their windows rolled up.

While researching prepping for disasters years ago I seldom came across virus-related information, but often saw government-leaders-will-take-over-our-lives posts.

And wow. It's happening. Everywhere.

But here's the great news! --

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"Be not afraid of them [their faces], for I am with you to deliver you, says the Lord."   --- Jeremiah 1:8

"Liberty once lost is lost forever." (Spied outside of the huge vehicle protest in Lansing Michigan.)


"Old ways won't open new doors!! Don't be afraid to do something different than what you have known before.. God is with you!" --- Paula White Cain

"For if you forgive others their trespasses, your heavenly Father will also forgive you, but if you do not forgive others their trespasses, neither will your Father forgive your trespasses." ... Matthew 6:14,15

So Will I Come Out of Self-Isolation Bitter or Better?

"Whatever you do, work heartily, as for the Lord and not for men, knowing that from the Lord you will receive the inheritance as your reward. You are serving the Lord Christ."   ... Colossians 3:23. 24

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Way back (less than a month ago, eegads) when the powers-that-be first ordered us to burrow at home, I sat at the dining room table putting on my make-up. I called over to Tom in his recliner, "I'll apologize right now for just slapping on my make-up during the duration of all this."

He chuckled. I smiled. 

But the Holy Spirit? He rolled His eyes. "Really?" He asked. "You're aiming for mediocrity already?"

Gulp. He got me there. 

Hey. I know how mediocrity works. You start small, say, let the laundry slide a couple weeks, skip sweeping the floors, eat only carbs and chocolate and bam! Suddenly you're in stained, too-tight clothes stepping around sticky kitchen floors, searching messy cupboards for chocolate bars long ago scarfed down.

ツ

Sloppiness always starts with tiny compromises.

So yeah. Next day I put on my make-up with care so I'll look pleasant for my husband who's locked-up spending his quarantine time with me. And for myself, actually. Daily I wear make-up so I'll look presentable for me during my one and only life upon Earth.

(I know, I know. You don't wear make-up. I get it. And if I had your scar-free, smooth, sweet skin I might not either. But I don't so I do, ok?) シ

Moving on.

I'm determined these coronavirus days will make me better, not bitter. That someday I'll step out our red door, not just free, but more educated, creative, skilled and compassionate.

That I'll have spent the majority of my hours focused on learning how to better keep --


our food pantry supplied
trying new recipes
meals cheap, but varied and interesting
the house running efficiently
the garden growing well
informed, but not overwhelmed (nor frustrated)
exercising when I'd, ugh, rather not
encouraging everyone I know.


And also? Keeping the Holy Spirit, my for-everything healer(including a lousy, it's-all-a-conspiracy attitude), so close. May He need only whisper--not shout--when I even think of becoming a sloth till summer.

I have my excuses to be a slacker, of course. We all do. But there comes a time--and this is certainly one--when God expects us to practice what He spent decades teaching us.

And wow, what He's taught us. And taught us. And taught us.

"If you focus more on your joys you'll have fewer sorrows." -- Bruce Van Horn

Yes, we've lost much control over our lives and perhaps it will only partially return. But what I'm trying to do? Besides remembering God's still in control, I also remind myself there's much I can still control within myself, my home, my yard. And that's where self-discipline becomes more important than ever. In other words, I can stay mad or I can remain busy with good things.


"Whatever you are facing--- worship your way through it!" --- Paula White-Cain



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I'm loving all those inspirational Youtube videos about how to make 370 meals for $40 (well......). Here's a good video with lots of use-what-you-have recipes.

 And as I shared at Facebook:


Well, I'm feeling more Grace when it comes to cooking (thank-goodness), but still, some extra inspiration never hurts and hey! I found lots of free Kindle cookbooks this morning. Here you go (just make sure your choice is truly free before you click to buy). Have fun!

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Oh, and over the weekend via Amazon, Tom and I watched Dark Waters. Wow. Very informative and another reminder that heroes don't always appear as we imagine.


(Rated PG-13. Based on a true story. There was just a smattering of language, otherwise everything else, to me anyway, was fine.)

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"For if you forgive others their trespasses, your heavenly Father will also forgive you, but if you do not forgive others their trespasses, neither will your Father forgive your trespasses." ... Matthew 6:14,15