I get irked when reading in blogs, "Oh, I'd give anything to be 17 again and free from responsibility. I don't want to be an adult." Or, "I miss my parents," (years afterward), "so badly that I can barely function. If only they were still alive." Or, "I'm 65 and I'll always forever regret not becoming a world-famous ballerina."
You know, longing for impossible stuff, believing they cannot be happy without that one gone-forever thing.
To me, that's like shooting yourself in the foot over and over, making it impossible to keep moving forward to something better up the road.
And yet guess what I've been doing?
I've been longing for a 'do-over' with Lennon. Aching for a second chance to take him to the vet sooner, to not assume he was just (as usual) drinking more water because of the house's dry winter air. I've stood in front of his favorite chair willing him to mysteriously appear, curled up there, sleeping.
But after Death, there is no do-over.
Oh, I have been rocked by this, shaken and slung backward to feelings I'd forgotten it was possible to have. I've told myself, "I don't care. I just don't care about anything, for it hurts to care." I've wanted to quit--to quit just what, I'm not sure--but to quit something. And to not forgive myself, ever, as well.
For oh, the lies that Grief loves to tell us!
Well anyway, now I'm grateful for God's hundreds of tests over the last 17 years, especially. All those lessons! They taught me to listen to God rather than my pathetic feelings, to allow myself to go down only so low, but no lower and to search for light and joy in the darkest of times.
And also? To change what can still be changed, but leave what is unchangeable, alone.
Like, I may not be able to change the frigid, snow-covered scene outside our windows, but I can stop standing in front of those windows, murmuring complaints about that ice land out there. I even, yesterday, changed my default city for weather reports to Mount Airy, instead. (Yes, I really did.) Now, rather than always signing-in and being hit with 10 degrees or 18, I see 53 and 63! Then I dream that someday I may experience 63 degrees in February(!)
And I've chosen to declutter and clean my house for the day we'll put it up for sale (now there's a good-till-Springtime project!). I'm house searching online, enjoying imagining myself within the rooms and yards of the houses I find--and picturing a couple new cats within those rooms, as well. Cats that will help carry away some of this ache within my heart.
Always, God is greater than our pathetic-ness.
He brings Hope, but by the spoonful or bucketful--that's up to our willingness to receive. At least, that's how I feel about it.
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We are not helpless. If God wants us to change something He will most certainly enable us to change it.
"Every increased possession loads us with new weariness." ... John Ruskin
(Thanks, Kim, for sharing that at Facebook this morning!)
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"And David encouraged himself in the Lord..." 1 Samuel 30:6
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He is really working on you girl. I think it's great and have an awesome rest of the week.
ReplyDeleteOdie
Oh, Debra, all you have said is true, but it can be part of the grieving process to go through it. As you are. For days after Paul died I spent my evenings looking online for something that would make him "better" without realizing that it was a sort of insanity. And then I realized, but it took quite a time to work through the irrational, but very common, guilt. Losing your spouse of 35 years is different than losing a pet, but grieving is grieving. So don't be down on yourself. I think you are doing wonderfully and all the things you're doing to look forward are just what you should be doing! I can't wait to see what comes of this North Carolina enterprise!
ReplyDeleteNumber one, I do not want to be anything other than the age I am at any given moment! Unwisdom behind, more wrinkles ahead...seems like I'm in my prime! The good thing about that formula is it will work right up until the end of our lives. God loves revealing to us the next gift he has placed for us to find...may he make every step for you one of child-like discovery and aged gratitude. Hugs!
ReplyDeleteOh, I see myself in you! :) I did the exact same thing as you, but instead of finding a spot warmer.... during the hot, humid month of August, I would invariably look for a place cooler and set my temp listing to that site!
ReplyDeleteWe have also been diligently decluttering, with garage sales, giveaways, auctions and throwaways. It is so liberating!
I volunteer in animal rescue and was just at the shelter these past couple of days, seeing and picking up dogs for the rescue group, but eyeing and petting a beautiful, fuzzy diluted calico girl. You did all in your power for Lennon, Debra, and I am glad you are coming to terms with the actions that occurred and the inevitability of what must come to all living things.