As a young woman of 19 I had to settle within my heart that, if I married Tom, some year in the future we'd have to deal with something hard concerning his polio. A whisper from God, I think that was.
Thirty-two years later--yesterday--that day arrived. And even after smaller polio problems along our path, still, it was and is a shock. Another one from which to recover, another one so soon following Tom's being laid-off.
Yesterday Tom saw a specialist who--sad story very, very shortly stated--said, if he doesn't have a major surgery to replace the titanium disc in his neck with a whole other thing, well, Tom will eventually lose the use of his left arm.
Gah. He's been losing the feeling in all those fingers, feeling a tingling pain and there are more details about how the titanium disc is slipping and should have been replaced by a 'cage' 8 years ago, instead, but I'll spare you.
Oh, and Tom is left-handed, too. And our medical insurance premiums, if we don't get a different kind, will multiply by five in the middle of December (another long story there). And what kind of a job can Tom get if he has to tell them, "Oh,by the way, I'll need to take 4 to 6 months off to recover from surgery." ?
Though actually, Tom was leaning more toward finishing his business courses (online) to get a bachelor's degree, first. He's more than halfway there, but what about the timing of all this? Could he continue the courses while recuperating from surgery? (And yes, he'll be getting a second opinion.)
Or should we just go ahead with his seeking to go out on disability, which has been an option, too? A more viable option than ever after yesterday's news. Doctors and physical therapists told Tom for years they'd do all they could to help with that, for he deserves it.
Gah. We'll need a disability advocate and a few other professionals to walk us through this field of land mines. But even there, we'll still need most to hear from God--darn closely, dare I say? For really, this does all feel like, "One wrong move and you'll wreck the course of the whole rest of your lives." Always there's that money-enough-for-the-future factor. You know, that annoying thing. That, and the trusting-God-for-money factor, also.
Maybe I should get a job, something more in the self-employment field though, for who would give me whole days off to sit in hospitals waiting for Tom during appointments or surgeries or who would care for him at recovery times? Or I guess I should start writing essays and devotions for checks in the mail. Maybe it's time for all that, though (I hate to say this) writing for money makes me sigh. I just don't wanna. (But we can't always do what we want, I realize that.) Even babysitting sounds better to me than writing for income. (I know, I know, I know... no lectures please.)
I knew there was too much Grace floating around our house lately. Just knew it.
But of course, I'm grateful she's still here in the midst of what feels like a field of land mines. We need her, we need God and His ultimate wisdom more than ever. And we also need your prayers. We so don't want to mess this all up, not only for ourselves, but for you who watch us through this blog. More than ever, we want to face this with godly courage, not fearful whining.
We'll get through this, of course. But it does get tiring waiting for the shock to wear off so we can smile again and think and listen more clearly.
Forgive me, please, if you start seeing holes in this blog. If I disappear now and again. For if I must start writing essays, etc. for money (sigh) I'll need some time off even though I'd much, much rather be here with you.