Monday, June 28, 2010

Of Aging. Of Acceptance.

So it was Saturday morning and I was fixing my hair at the bathroom mirror and I thought, "Hmm. Right now I look about as good as it gets nowadays. I should have Tom take a picture of me."

Well, something dreadful must have unknowingly happened to me between the time I stepped from the bathroom to the dining room where I gave the camera to Tom. Why? Because each of the pictures showed a frumpy, tired-looking middle-aged woman.

I hate it when that happens.

Gah! It's such a weird thing to feel like you're 30, pretty and physically-fit inside your skin and yet on the outside look about 60. And tired and fat. And it's rather wild to have a 30-year-old daughter, too, when you, yourself, feel only 30. "How can this be?," you often ask yourself.

Acceptance of how one looks--I think I'm still parked there. (I know, I know.) I've accepted the fact that I reached 50 (took me a whole year. Seriously), but I still can't quite accept that I look the way I look (there's a reason my Facebook photo is from 14 years ago and my blog photo isn't even me). That is taking some time.

Time! I'm always wanting to hurry people through their healings, but may this remind me that--often--time is required to work through various personal crisis' and God does not shove and push us along.

God is so not in a hurry.

And in the meantime? I'm trying my best to stay far away from guilt and condemnation about the part I've played in how I've aged, for they only worsen things. I mean, there's the consideration of my genetics and pollution and all that, but there's also the way I've eaten (too much sugar ages you, you know, as well as carrying around excess weight), sun exposure and the way I've handled Life's crisis' emotionally. Those kinds of things are within my power, (or God's power within me), to either handle with wisdom, calmness and trust or a raging kind of upset, non-acceptance or non-caring (as in, letting myself go).

So often the choice is mine--how will I react? And how will I treat this God-given body of mine?

Ah, so much responsibility. So little time.


And don't even think about asking to see those pictures of me. :)


Galatians 6:7-8: "Be not deceived; God is not mocked: for whatsoever a man soweth, that shall he also reap.


Anonymous said...

50 was a big shock for me.

Debra said...

Debbie--thanks so much for letting me know. Nearly all my friends have been saying 50 was a cinch for them and it's just a number, blah, blah, blah... (heh)... So I appreciate finding someone else who understands (but then, you so often understand exactly what I'm going through. I've noticed that these last few years.) :) Blessings, Debra

Kim said...

Oh my goodness yes! In my head I'm 25 - 30 years old and weigh 130 lbs. Then I see a photo and think "Who is that old fat woman?! She must have been standing in front of me."
Ah's not just a river in Egypt...

And having to say my son is in his thirties?! Oh the horror!

Pat said...

Wait till you turn 60! BWhaaa!
I'm going to be 63 next month..this has been the decade to deal with for me. As seasons of life go..I'm in early winter!!
I look at other people my age and what I find most attractive is really and truly attitude. Not the color of their hair or how trim they are. Certainly that is the first every one will notice, but what stays in the hearts eye is the spirit.
Lord help me to accept that in myself too. May I be the best I can be in your and for you.

Jan said...

Each day is a gift. I'm heading toward 70 and I'm not looking back. I love being alive and happy.

God is so gracious and good.

Debra said...

Kim--sounds like we're on the same page major-ly. :)

Pat--yep, attitude is the key. And right now I'm trying to find my good attitude about aging. I think it's hiding from me. :)

Jan--hmm... you must be one in a million. I believe the vast majority of women reach a stage in their lives where they wrestle with this aging thing and decide what they will do and think about it from now on. They must work through it themselves, and come to accept where they are. And that's partly why I'm writing these posts--I'm hoping to help the others out there who are dealing with this as I am and not finding it a cinch. :)

Thanks, Everyone. ..Debra

Name: female, not even with a capital F. I shit you not! said...

Over 70, feel & think like I'm 30 some odd after the kinks leave from sitting awhile. :0)
Age is only a number.
40 was my hardest...after that it was, let the years fall where they may.
Never liked the way I looked in a picture anyway.

Beth said...

Oh I'm there with ya! I'm a few years behind you, since I'll "only" be 48 in a few weeks. But I don't FEEL 48. In fact I feel better than ever. But I do see myself getting older, grayer, fatter, saggier, frumpier...

And my youngest daughter took a candid photo of me looking out of the airplane window and said "Aw, my pretty mama". That made my day.

Judy said...

My pictures on my blog are REALLY me, yet they are still lies.

I hold the camera waaaay up, and then I look waaaay up, and the picture comes out pretty good! Although, it looks absolutely NOTHING like me.

I know this, because when my dad was in the hospital a year ago, I brought him some pictures of me holding his newest great-grandson. He was showing them to some friends who were visiting him and they asked who was holding the baby. My dad said in all seriousness, "Nobody I know." And I was SITTING right there!

That's how I KNEW it was a good picture!

That he could recognize his great-grandson who was less than six weeks old, but NOT recognize his daughter whom he had known for 51 years...

Well. That's all I have to say about that.

sunnycalgirl said...

We've all heard that "beauty is in the eye of the beholder" I will be 60 next year...Sometimes I get startled Lol! when I see myself up close..and the sagging this and that. Must admit I am more at peace about my appearance than when I was younger as I felt I never measured up. Now I really feel like a kid at heart...and enjoy the freedom of being who I am. I do continue to realize I should eat less sugar and get out and walk more often...