Tuesday, September 04, 2007


Sometimes you reach a personal point of Life where it shows whether you've done your homework--or ignored it.... whether you've cooperated with God or fought Him on every change He asked you to make... whether you've learned to walk in peace no matter how wild your circumstances--or not.

I am currently at one of those points. Let's just say I'm getting awfully used to walking on water--so to speak.

I am living in a house which is for sale, one I no longer see as my own. And although I'm sure we'll be moving out of state, at this moment, I'm not certain just which state that will be (yesterday we discussed North Carolina). And yesterday we also decided to sell nearly every piece of our Craftsman furniture so that we can start over with a 'whole new old look', since we'd like to buy old furniture, stuff I could paint if I wished. And then there's the thing of having no idea just when we'll be moving away or just when our house will sell or what kind of house we will buy(or when we should buy it).

And yesterday, too, I received word that my dad is again back in the hospital, one in Oregon this time, having had a heart attack (they think) and just basically not doing well. My sister says I should come out there, but since Tom just returned from California dealing with his own family matters, most likely I'd have to travel those 2,700 miles alone. I asked Tom to piece together a train travel package for me so we can know the costs and details just in case. And yes, I could fly, but 1.) I hate flying, even in happy times. 2.) The nearest major airport is hundreds of miles away from both my parents' house and the Oregon hospital . 3.) I'd have to rent a car and drive hundreds of strange miles alone (me?), something which I don't see as wisdom, and well, I try always to live according to wisdom.

Add to that a dozen more complications which I'm sparing you.

I'd like a train trip alone, though. I think. I'd enjoy sitting pensively, staring out windows for days at farmland and just meditating, dreaming, remembering. Right now that sounds tempting. But Tom is nervous about my traveling alone, not to mention we've planned to take a train trip together for, oh, twenty years. Perhaps he could take additional time off from work because of the circumstances, but the best time to go would be in a month during his next long stretch of days off. Yet with the reports I get from my sister, sometimes I wonder if my dad even has a month left.

So around and around and around we go. Tom and I talk all this over until we come right back to the beginning where it all looks and feels impossible. And then we just sigh, usually in exasperation with each other.

I comfort myself with the knowledge that thousands of other people around my age face similar circumstances--and worse-- all the time. It comes with the territory--with being in middle-life and needing to make changes, being part of a family, being alive.

And not only is it showing whether I've done my homework--whether I've learned to stay in peace in hard, uncertain times--but I'm being reminded of my weaknesses. Oh my, am I ever. How we all have them. But that's a good thing because I also take comfort that God isn't in Heaven all surprised and condemning-browed because some days I flounder... and some days my weaknesses rear their smoking, ugly heads. No, He's known me such a long time, is acquainted with me inside, outside, upside-down, and will love me through all of this, even if no one else understands or approves of the choices I finally make.

Of that, I'm sure.

10 comments:

elizabeth said...

We do live in uncertain times, at best...and while my dad is not in dire danger currently...the day will likely come I will have to make the same choices you are now. I have not traveled back to see him for over 2 years now. I HATE plane travel too and in my case it has been life threatening. Trains are not easy travel either, but it does have its appeal. It is hard to live in limbo...one reason we have not owned a house for over 7 years now. It is just easier to move when the move comes! Blessings as you tread through all these choices...which may seem all yours, but I think actually our FATHER has under HIS control.

North Carolina, huh? We have been here over 4 years now...it is pretty but HOT! But living inside a lot is not so bad either!!

daisymarie said...

I need to go back and read this. It is serious and I am concerned for your trip and for your dad. But I must confess it was hard for me to concentrate after reading that you're selling your craftsman furniture. I was ready to rent a U-haul and beat feet to your place to get it: lock, stock, and barrel!! Oh my!

Kathy said...

Oh my Debra, you do have a lot going on, and many choices to make...I will be praying for you that the Lord will give you wisdom and peace in the days to come. How wonderful for you that you do not have to face it alone, that God cares so deeply for you and these circumstances you are facing....more of those "tests" you mentioned earlier :o) I am surprised you are selling your furniture too!! But, I do love "old" stuff and I know the appeal it has for me, as you know! Will be thinking of you...God bless!

Judy said...

This has been the hardest year of my life, due to those things you mention in this post.

I want everything all 'pinned down'. God seems to delight in pulling out my pins and flinging them to the wind.

God IS Good. Even when it doesn't feel like it.

You, my friend, are much in my prayers.

jar said...

I have done the train travel by myself. Two years ago I went from Virginia to Indianapolis and back to VA. We did derail but no injuries or damage. The crew both ways was vigilent and helpful. The only time I felt cautious was when I was at the terminal in Indy late at night to catch the train home. Colorful characters but I formed plans in my mind on how to deal with it and again no problems. I also did not wear nice clothes - presentable but clothes that fit in and did not call undue attention to my person.
I think that I understand what your feeling though as far as travel. My parents live 10 hours away and I last made the trip by myself a couple of years ago. Never again do I want to drive it. Don't want to fly either:-)

~Jennifer said...

Oh, I wish I lived closer to Portland, then I could pick you up at the airport or train station and drive you to your parents' house. Out of curiosity, is your parents' house north, south, east or west of Portland?

Sara said...

deb; i read this feeling moved on your behalf and find myself ministered to. "he's know me such a long time..." that just falls over my spirit right now. i am praying for your dad and for you as you decide what is best next to do.

Jeanette said...

You've got a couple really big things on your plate right now, not to mention the little things that go with every day living.

I know well the feeling of being in limbo while your house is on the market, it's a tough place to be.

Oh my dear, I'm so sorry to hear about your dad. I will keep him in my prayers, and you & Tom as you make your decisions. (hugs)

Hilmarose said...

"But that's a good thing because I also take comfort that God isn't in Heaven all surprised and condemning-browed because some days I flounder... and some days my weaknesses rear their smoking, ugly heads. No, He's known me such a long time, is acquainted with me inside, outside, upside-down, and will love me through all of this, even if no one else understands or approves of the choices I finally make."

Amen and Amen!
Your Dad is in my prayers as you are too!

~Jennifer said...

Oh, now I read more carefully and see that you didn't even say Portland, I just assumed, forgetting that there is a part of Oregon that is close to California. :-) I'm glad it worked out, and that your dad is doing okay.