Tuesday, July 18, 2006

When Freedom Finally Came


I think I waited for a lot of years for freedom to fall on me. Or to be given to me. Or prayed into me.

Or something.

I kept waiting to feel free, really, truly free... and waiting... and waiting.

But then a few years ago I began noticing something.

I began feeling free when I stopped playing a game called, Holy Ghost Junior. That's the game where you run around telling everyone how they should live (which coincidentally, is an awful lot like the way you live).

I began feeling free when I allowed my adult daughter to make and learn from her own mistakes.

I began feeling free when I stopped believing Everything Must Be A Certain Way.

I began feeling free when I gave myself permission to be happy, even on days when appliances broke down... and no one emailed me... and our finances looked bleak.

I began feeling free when I stopped punishing myself or trying to pay for my mistakes by doing extra good deeds, and instead, repented and accepted God's forgiveness. Then moved on with gratitude.

I began feeling free when I stopped trying to figure everything out with my head and just asked God for some answers--or for the in-the-meantime-trust required while I waited for answers.

I began feeling free when I treated myself with kindness.

And I began feeling free especially when I stopped believing that God was mad at me and realized instead, that He passionately loves me and is the only person who never leaves me or stops loving me even for one second.

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