Sunday, April 16, 2006
As Mary (Jesus' mom) pondered things in her heart, I've been pondering some things in mine...
I think we all come to crossroads in our lives much more often than we realize. Maybe we don't even see crossroads unless they are huge, but I believe they come in many varying sizes. They are the places where you stand when God is asking you to make more changes... to lay down some things, even good things, and leave them alone... to abandon old ways of thinking, old ways of believing, maybe even old relationships which are zapping your best time and energy, rather like turning a hose into a sieve.
I am at another crossroads--this one feels rather big. I'm standing here looking ahead and seeing that the straight path is narrower than this one I've been walking. And I won't be able to run along that new path with the same baggage and weights and self-imposed responsibilities. There's not room nor the strength for all of us together.
It's just no longer working to hold onto what God is no longer giving me Grace to hold. It's felt too much like juggling-in-place and keeping a bunch of plates spinning up on sticks. No wonder I've had this out-of-control circus feeling inside me lately--I think I've pitched a big red-striped circus tent in the crossroads and I've been stuck here. And God is not into being stuck anywhere along the way.
He is into my running the race at His side, and running that race to win.
And you know... Just finally recognizing where this discomfort is coming from, well, it helps. I'd missed making strides alongside Grace... I'd grown tired of all the shuffling of suitcases and the juggling and spinning plates and the little twinges of guilt when I couldn't keep up. No wonder I've been feeling strangely uncomfortable lately...
...my spirit has been aching to re-enter the race with a free and obedient heart.